My only child, a son in his 20’s, died suddenly, last summer. And I still hurt more than I can let anyone know. Everyone sees me going to work and laughing and talking and people even tell me how well I’ve managed to deal with it all.
But I’m still broken in a million pieces, inside. I’ve only managed to heal the outside, so I don’t looked cracked anymore.
The pain hasn’t lessened much. It will be a year soon, but I don’t know how to explain to anyone that I barely remember the year, and that it feels more like 2 weeks to me.
I know I’ve lived through these many months. I know there were holidays, and I can see the calendar. But it is compressed and unreal.
I know I make sense to people when I talk. How do I manage to do that? I’m not even there. I barely know what I’m saying.
Can they tell? They don’t seem to notice.
I should be letting go of my son, but instead, I seem to be letting go of the world. It’s like I think that I have a “one or the other” choice, and I’m choosing “Dump the world, and keep my son, please.”
I’m so . . . segmented. Pain. There is lots of pain.
One Comment
You will never let go of your son, and i think thats a switch in your brain you have to turn on. You will never get over it, how could you -its not bloody fair and its not right for a parent to loose a child. As cliche as that is, its the truth.
I think you should try talking to somebody, i think people underestimate it and in a way maybe feel a bit silly or dramatic announcing yeah i have a problem and i need help.
What would your son tell you to do?