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What if

I’m the happiest I have ever been. My life is near perfect. And yet my mind keeps wandering back and wondering ‘What if? What if? What if?’

I want a baby, so bad.

The one thing we can’t have and it’s all I crave to complete our perfect life together.

Falling in Love with You

Ok, so I never expected this to happen. I thought I was happily married, with a loving husband and, materially, everything I could ever want, but you’ve turned that upside-down and I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what you feel (if anything) about me.

I first saw you 5 or 6 years ago – you were working, I was on a night out. You looked very different then and were probably still struggling with some of your demons, but to me, there was something about you, something that draw me to you, but our paths didn’t cross again.

That is, until a couple of years ago when we ‘met’ online – the intervening years saw me get married and you split up from a long-term relationship.

We occasionally had public conversations – nothing private, nothing underhand – I enjoy talking to you and, although I never spelled it out, I never explicitly said I was married. I’ve seen you transform yourself and I’m thrilled that your career seems to be back on track – you’re a master at what you do!

And then, at the weekend we met. I behaved like a drunken 15 year old and goodness only knows what you must have thought of me – for that I need to apologise. But now, having met, face to face, I find myself falling for you – in a big way. You’re handsome, funny, kind and charming – what woman wouldn’t fall for that?!

I know I need to contact you, to try to at least salvage some friendship after the way I behaved, but my feelings for you scare me – I don’t ever remember feeling like this about anyone, not even my husband!

I just don’t know what to do…

Mr. Sebring

I’m sorry to hear about your loss back in 2002. It’s great to see how you have turned out. I wish you the best on your new adventure in Hawaii and find what you are looking for.

Missing.

I miss you. So much. And you probably don’t even miss me. I feel like I’m running out of breath. You’re only gone for a holiday. But the days seem to be moving slower till the time you get back.
You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. And it kills me to think that I realised I loved you too late.
I don’t know what is going to happen between us. But all I can do is wait. Wait for what.. I don’t know.
But I do know that I am totally and utterly in love with you. And it’s slowly tearing me apart.

Sick of Work

Sick of work, decided to leave.
Gonna make a move! I know its right, it can only be a good thing.
I hope when i look back at this in the months to come it will help me realize that i did make the right decision and calm my scared and muddled mind!

Don’t

I don’t want you to go.

I don’t want you to stay for her.

You can’t stay for me.

Just don’t go.

sex politics

I’m free. Finally. and I want some.

but oh. if I sleep with strangers I’m a tramp. plus I need to trust/like someone to sleep with them. so what to do? start sleeping around my friends? no. the rumours and glances would be too much. And everyones coupled already.

Do I join a dating site? Is that dangerous for a single girl? has anyone used one? Is it real people or sharks looking for an easy kill?

Its okay for guys. They seem to be allowed to do it. Not girls. so I’m stuck. lost. needing to be loved in every respect. and it can’t happen.

I’d say fuck you all. but social politics says i’m not allowed.

The world is your oyster.. i know i’m frightened

I’m terrified, i took 4 years in total out after school, in which time i worked abroad and traveled. On year 3 i went home to ireland and did a night course diploma. I then went back to spain where i had been working with the mind set of really trying to make a life out there.
With work dried up, i’m now living back with my parents and searching (like everyone else in the country) for a job. This isn’t me complaining and saying poor me i can’t find work, its just that in the last year i’m different. I’m not as fun, i feel i’ve lost my spark, i’ve also started lying when i’m drunk and not in a harmless talking shite kind of way. I lie about serious stuff, nothing malicious but just not true. So much so that i’m trying to not drink – which in irish culture as a 20something is pretty tough to do. I feel everything is a bit too much at the moment and although i really want to be something and someone and forge a career, another part of me wants to just stay at home with my parents and hide. I’m not trying to be funny but do you think i’m depressed?

Why?

I was fine before I met you, happy and content to be on my own, not looking for anything. You chased and chased and eventually I gave in…I let you in…and I loved it…and then just as quick you were gone. Now you want to “be friends”, and I do too but I just don’t know how to do it. I can’t stop thinking about you, where you are, what you’re doing, if you’re happy, and I wish we’d had a proper chance at it. I don’t know how to move on this time. I’ve never felt feelings this strong and this quickly about anybody ever before. What do I do?