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I’m free. Finally. and I want some.
but oh. if I sleep with strangers I’m a tramp. plus I need to trust/like someone to sleep with them. so what to do? start sleeping around my friends? no. the rumours and glances would be too much. And everyones coupled already.
Do I join a dating site? Is that dangerous for a single girl? has anyone used one? Is it real people or sharks looking for an easy kill?
Its okay for guys. They seem to be allowed to do it. Not girls. so I’m stuck. lost. needing to be loved in every respect. and it can’t happen.
I’d say fuck you all. but social politics says i’m not allowed.
I’m terrified, i took 4 years in total out after school, in which time i worked abroad and traveled. On year 3 i went home to ireland and did a night course diploma. I then went back to spain where i had been working with the mind set of really trying to make a life out there.
With work dried up, i’m now living back with my parents and searching (like everyone else in the country) for a job. This isn’t me complaining and saying poor me i can’t find work, its just that in the last year i’m different. I’m not as fun, i feel i’ve lost my spark, i’ve also started lying when i’m drunk and not in a harmless talking shite kind of way. I lie about serious stuff, nothing malicious but just not true. So much so that i’m trying to not drink – which in irish culture as a 20something is pretty tough to do. I feel everything is a bit too much at the moment and although i really want to be something and someone and forge a career, another part of me wants to just stay at home with my parents and hide. I’m not trying to be funny but do you think i’m depressed?
I was fine before I met you, happy and content to be on my own, not looking for anything. You chased and chased and eventually I gave in…I let you in…and I loved it…and then just as quick you were gone. Now you want to “be friends”, and I do too but I just don’t know how to do it. I can’t stop thinking about you, where you are, what you’re doing, if you’re happy, and I wish we’d had a proper chance at it. I don’t know how to move on this time. I’ve never felt feelings this strong and this quickly about anybody ever before. What do I do?
I’ve never been so at ease with someone like I have with you. It got serious very quickly. Why did we have to live two cities apart? Things were too different. I got scared and made a rash decision and now I have to live not knowing what could have happened.
I’ll always remember your smile…
I realised this morning, that yesterday was the first day in over three months that I didn’t cry over you.
I wish I could say the same about today.
I am drowning in anxiety. It’s eating me from the inside out.
It’s not the fact that I haven’t had a proper job in months; or the fact that very soon I won’t have a job at all. It’s not the fact that I have to move house and sign a new lease that I’m not sure I’ll even be able to keep up. It’s not the fact that after almost 10 years living on my own, supporting myself, being independent; I may have to admit defeat and move home.
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My only child, a son in his 20’s, died suddenly, last summer. And I still hurt more than I can let anyone know. Everyone sees me going to work and laughing and talking and people even tell me how well I’ve managed to deal with it all.
But I’m still broken in a million pieces, inside. I’ve only managed to heal the outside, so I don’t looked cracked anymore. Read More »
My neighbour asked me today about what I’d do if I won the euro lottery tonight.
The first honest thing that came to my mind was that I’d hire mercenaries and get them to knock off some Irish bankers and politicians for a fee of a couple of million each. Am I a revolutionary or am I slowly going mad?
It’s going to be another night out in town.
You’ll be there with him again. That low life drink-driving pathetic hard-man scum, the bad-boy you crave.
I’ll probably end up with her again. I don’t want to. I just do it to fill the time. She deserves better.
I want to be with you though. You know it, he knows it, she knows it. Everyone of our friends knows it. But no, we’re just friends…
So I was away on a business trip. New job kicked in; been so long since the last debacle.
I wasn’t the same since they fired me last year; was tired, no motivation, tried to tell you, you told me I wasn’t trying hard enough. Read More »